I heard a song a while ago and it talked about not giving up on someone. This got me thinking....
I've given up on truck-loads of things since I was young. There was swimming, piano, dancing, the thought of learning martial arts, the idea of rekindling the friendship flame with some old friends etc. I wonder if anyone had given up on me before :S
I feel like I've always tried my best in things I considered "serious" in life - my studies. Studying was...NEVER...a thing I'm fond of. And it still isn't, mind I tell u that. The only reason why I never gave up on it was.... well... I don't like letting people down. I keep having this idea in my mind that if by any chance I fail (not saying I never failed before) in any of my major exams, I'd shatter the image my parents have upon me. I'm too afraid that they will hate the me that would dissappoint.
Don't get me wrong, I'm actually somewhat a rebel too. I'd like to try that out, to tell you the truth. It'd be fun to see their reactions. But risking having to study for another year is just a thought to difficult to bare. That's why I never had the guts to do that. Plus, the possibility that they might hate and look down on me. yeah, I'm gutless.
hmmm.... I'm going a lil off topic I think. But the whole point is that........ I DON'T KNOW HOW I'D BE IF I REALIZED THAT SOMEONE ACTUALLY GAVE UP ON ME :(
so... "don't give on me babeh~"
Song: For The First Time by The Script.
Monday 21 February 2011
Thursday 17 February 2011
Me or me?
Since I've finally settled most of my uni stuff (long story short: it was a very complicated process - from enrolling to registering into classes. But I won't go into detail bout that. Boring thing to blab about.), I had some spare time up my sleeves to do what adolescences, like me, do best; think bout things that doesn't really matter but somehow does in some ways. Sounds complicated, but basically, it's just random thoughts going thru my brain, which sometimes even I, myself, get confused over.
Being the self-centered person that I occasionally find myself being, most of my queries, honestly, only revolve around me. For those of you who don't think of me as a self-centered person should maybe read on to find out more about me, or should I say... to find out about the other side of me.
I don't know if this is how the average person behaves, or am I just one green pea trying to find my place in a pile of blue beads. Anyhow, I simply can't help but to think that I actually have split personalities. Maybe it's not a very serious issue... Maybe it is... Maybe this is how everybody else is.... With all these maybe's I had to kill some brain cell coming to the perfect conclusion. Therefore, I hope I can share my jumble of thoughts with all of you.
Once upon my life, I realized I liked ghostly opera musics that u can sway your souls to, I liked to feel the mysterious silence and darkness especially when I'm alone, I liked the creepy little portraits that screamed lonesome, pain and evil! That was the time when creepy porcelain dolls, that are so perfect they'd give u nightmares, would be the perfect gift for me!
I liked pretty much all things "dark" back then, just as much as I would like the happy, funny, and "brighter" side of me anytime. It's pretty confusing for me cause I can't really figure out which kind of me is the "real" me, cause both my interests were so distinctive. Maybe they both described me... Maybe one of them is just who I wanted to be but I was only afraid that people would regard me as "weird" for being like that... But they are all just maybe's.... I was just thinking... "maybe". However, I eventually grew scared of the kind of creepiness I liked, hence I decided to bury that darker-side-of-me, deep deep underneath the multiple folds of my brain.
But after these few years, just as I was about to completely forget about my "dark sister", she seem to have already disintegrated and somehow fed herself to my surrounding brain cells. All of a sudden, I realized, I am still fond of what I used to like - lonely songs filled with unbounded emotions, eerie animations by Tim Burtin... And yes, my affection for porcelain dolls grew even more!
This is when I began to doubt the "me" I always have been. Could all those be just the kind of person I wish to project upon other's impression? Was that even who I really am naturally? Should I give up and become the creepy kind of me I am? Or have I put on the mask for too long, it has now been deeply-rooted into my bones....?
At the same time, questions like these came rushing into my brain....
...All this while...
...Could I have been just a quiet person who is just used to being loud/hyper?
...Could I have been just a selfish person who tries not to be, for the sake of good conduct?
...Could I have been just a rude person who embraces politeness just to please?
...Could I have been just be a devil trully in disguise?
Well, i was thinking I might be, because...
I hate snobbish b****es but occasionally acts like one for fun.
I hate gamblers but tolerates and plays along just so I do not kill joy.
These are just like how I think much of my little creepy thoughts but only spoke rainbow words instead just as to go with the flow.
But... when I do speak of my creepy thoughts, people would usually just freeze and stare.
That is when I would just have to explain that I was just joking.
I do not believe I'm mad, nor do I believe I'm a true devil.
Being the brighter-kind-of-me never really felt like pretense at all.
They felt real. They felt sincere. They felt just like they are really meant to be.
Maybe, just maybe, I simply like being both kinds of me.
Would this be considered as having split personalities? I would most likely be using different sides of me to face different kinds of "you's".
But, in the end, whichever side of me you've met is still considered the real me right? So should I even bother deciding whether or not to hide whichever side of me?
...I guess not. As long as they feel right, that would be the me you'll be receiving.
So don't be surprise if u come to hear a whole different "me" in the future...
... cause there are many... many faces of "me"....
Hugs and kisses.
.581_
Being the self-centered person that I occasionally find myself being, most of my queries, honestly, only revolve around me. For those of you who don't think of me as a self-centered person should maybe read on to find out more about me, or should I say... to find out about the other side of me.
I don't know if this is how the average person behaves, or am I just one green pea trying to find my place in a pile of blue beads. Anyhow, I simply can't help but to think that I actually have split personalities. Maybe it's not a very serious issue... Maybe it is... Maybe this is how everybody else is.... With all these maybe's I had to kill some brain cell coming to the perfect conclusion. Therefore, I hope I can share my jumble of thoughts with all of you.
Once upon my life, I realized I liked ghostly opera musics that u can sway your souls to, I liked to feel the mysterious silence and darkness especially when I'm alone, I liked the creepy little portraits that screamed lonesome, pain and evil! That was the time when creepy porcelain dolls, that are so perfect they'd give u nightmares, would be the perfect gift for me!
I liked pretty much all things "dark" back then, just as much as I would like the happy, funny, and "brighter" side of me anytime. It's pretty confusing for me cause I can't really figure out which kind of me is the "real" me, cause both my interests were so distinctive. Maybe they both described me... Maybe one of them is just who I wanted to be but I was only afraid that people would regard me as "weird" for being like that... But they are all just maybe's.... I was just thinking... "maybe". However, I eventually grew scared of the kind of creepiness I liked, hence I decided to bury that darker-side-of-me, deep deep underneath the multiple folds of my brain.
But after these few years, just as I was about to completely forget about my "dark sister", she seem to have already disintegrated and somehow fed herself to my surrounding brain cells. All of a sudden, I realized, I am still fond of what I used to like - lonely songs filled with unbounded emotions, eerie animations by Tim Burtin... And yes, my affection for porcelain dolls grew even more!
This is when I began to doubt the "me" I always have been. Could all those be just the kind of person I wish to project upon other's impression? Was that even who I really am naturally? Should I give up and become the creepy kind of me I am? Or have I put on the mask for too long, it has now been deeply-rooted into my bones....?
At the same time, questions like these came rushing into my brain....
...All this while...
...Could I have been just a quiet person who is just used to being loud/hyper?
...Could I have been just a selfish person who tries not to be, for the sake of good conduct?
...Could I have been just a rude person who embraces politeness just to please?
...Could I have been just be a devil trully in disguise?
Well, i was thinking I might be, because...
I hate snobbish b****es but occasionally acts like one for fun.
I hate gamblers but tolerates and plays along just so I do not kill joy.
These are just like how I think much of my little creepy thoughts but only spoke rainbow words instead just as to go with the flow.
But... when I do speak of my creepy thoughts, people would usually just freeze and stare.
That is when I would just have to explain that I was just joking.
I do not believe I'm mad, nor do I believe I'm a true devil.
Being the brighter-kind-of-me never really felt like pretense at all.
They felt real. They felt sincere. They felt just like they are really meant to be.
Maybe, just maybe, I simply like being both kinds of me.
Would this be considered as having split personalities? I would most likely be using different sides of me to face different kinds of "you's".
But, in the end, whichever side of me you've met is still considered the real me right? So should I even bother deciding whether or not to hide whichever side of me?
...I guess not. As long as they feel right, that would be the me you'll be receiving.
So don't be surprise if u come to hear a whole different "me" in the future...
... cause there are many... many faces of "me"....
Hugs and kisses.
.581_
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