stupid useless crybaby

I thought I have grown-up.

I thought I could do better... to be independent.

I thought I was a strong...or at least could be strong enough to not break down.

No.

I was wrong.

Turns out that...

I'm still that stupid useless crybaby all along.

The devil's child

just as i was blogging about it. then it gets worse.. fantastic.

>:'(

I HATE MYSELF. LITERALLY.

MY PRESENCE ALWAYS BRING BAD LUCK TO OTHERS.

IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN.

EVERY TIME I TRY TO COUNTERACT IT, IT JUST GETS WORSE.

UGH!

IF YOU ARE SMART, U WOULD STAY AWAY FROM ME!!

trash can

Hello hello

Long time no see. I know i haven't been entering enough posts to say that Im still maintaining my blog but as if anyone cares. I KNOW NOONE READS MY BLOG ANYMORE SO HAHAHAHA I SHALL SWEAR AND UNLEASH THE WORST SIDEA OF ME HERE! F***YEA! LOL. jk. That's not me. *shy* <--Wtf?!

Ok that was a horribly lame introduction. Forgive me :)
What i really wanna share here is how unhealthy im becoming :( i just keep eating and eating and eating... what's wrong with me?! :( i think i have this 'excessive eating disorder' or what ever you call it cause i just kept on eating :(

Its like im eating out of boredom... maybe i should do something else to keep my mind off food. but so far, i only have interest for movies and dramas and they are not helping me stay away from food :( Ahhhh!!

Im a stupid trash can :(

Sad sad face.

i realise i blog with no structure anymore. whatever. Its not like anyone really reads it anymore.
I miss home.
I'm so random.
I say bye bye.
BYE BYE!

Mumbo Jumbo.

I really don't understand what's wrong?

You and mood swings come and go like crazy.

Why do I have to put up with all your shit?

Who do you think you are?

So what if you are older than me?

Have you been acting like you are?

Have you behaved like you are worth my respect?

You make me feel like I'm your assistant? secretary? what ever it is... NO! I'M NOT!

Why is it that when things are not going right the fault is always on me?

Why can't you realise you might be the wrong one?

You start "lecturing" like how you hate to be lectured, and you dare say how you hate mum for always nagging you? GOOD. Now you are just like her. Instead of how you said you'd torture your kids for revenge (how stupid), congratulations, I feel like you have diverted that attitude to me. AND OH HELL, I HATE IT.

Have you ever realised that its your problem why you think she nags you too much?

You don't see me complaining about how she nags me, do you?

You want respect from me, but have you ever respected me?

What have you done to to deserve my respect?

I've always been giving in to you since young; have you ever realised and appreciated them?

I know you have your way to show your love to me, buying stuff for me, giving me things. but you don't understand I don't need those kind of love. I am not that kind of materialistic person. You can't BUY my love for you. I WANT EQUAL RESPECT.

Don't go all "this is the way I am, i change for no one" BULLSHIT.

If you continue on living your way your style, you know you'll be surrounded by people who TOLERATES you, not really LOVING you for who you are.

I don't say things to your face because I'm giving you the bullshit respect you want me to give you.

I admit I cant put up a well enough debate with an angry heart, I don't speak well when I am angry. But when I end it that way, it does not mean that you have won, so you don't have to show your shitty arrogant victory face, that only makes you look ignorant and stupid and my respect for you drops below that of what you have earned.

See how I angry I am at you right now?

But let me tell you, no matter how angry you have made me (no one has ever made me as mad as how you've made me, you know you are significant to me), I still love you. I don't hate you because you always make me angry. Think I'm bullshitting? Well, I can only say I am unlike you.

I know throughout your life, you have hated me numerous times. I know. I am not dumb. I'm not gonna hate you just because you hate me. I still love you because I know who you are to me. I don't HATE family.

I don't understand how you can go about hating the closest comfort you can get. HATRED is a very strong feeling. It grows on you. DON'T HATE YOUR FAMILY. You don't know what goes on behind the covers. I can say you're the luckiest one amongst all of us. Appreciate it. SHOW THAT YOU APPRECIATE IT. Don't expect us to know how you appreciate from the heart. TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED! Hierarchy doesn't come in play like that. Don't abuse the respect I should have for you.

If words can be spoken in more gentler ways, don't choose to say it in ways that makes people uncomfortable. We hate it as much as you hate it. The world doesn't revolve around you. You know it, and you understand this. But please put this knowledge into practice and don't make people feel like you're so self-centred.

Waking up to reality

All that I fear would happen, has finally happened. What can I do now? How I wish for a miracle to take place right now...

Content? a word easy to use, hard to practice.

Isn't that always the case...

no love from

.581_

Who am I?

ITS BEEN A WHILE I KNOW! My blog can practically be dead if i don't come back and update it.

It's a Sunday today and I'm doing my assignments and preparatory work for next week's classes - my usual weekly routine here (Perth) this Sem. It has never been like this tho. That is, compared to when I was back at home - Brunei - because no matter how big an exam there is the following day, I would never NEVER miss out on our family's traditional Sunday FAMILY DAY!! Really can't wait to go back for this again! :))))

Then I started thinking about the kind of Bruneian I actually am (cause yea, although we're all living in Brunei, the things we do can still be totally different). What do we actually mean when we say we are "Bruneians".

Let's see... We(I) are(am) typical Bruneians because:

1. We love going on road trips. Destination - not so important. What's important is the moments u spent with the people in the car ;)

2. We wake up too late for breakfast. hence.. (see 3.)

3. We go for BRUNCHES (breakfast+lunch. Even after lunch hours, cause we r gangsta like that 8P)
It can be anywhere really. From the luxurious Empire Hotel and Country Club to the old-school but nonetheless oh-so awesome worker's canteen (it closed down now but THANK GOODNESS that we can still enjoy this Ocean Quarry kolomee in many outlets :') )

4. Nothing's more important that our limteh/yumcha sessions (tea) - especially true for procrastinators whose job allows them to do so ;P Again, it ranges from the extremely cheap but mouth watering to cozy, comfy, country-English style cafes such as the Country Patch.

5. We drive to places that we can reach in 5 mins. At fuel prices of $0.53 per litre, who wouldn't? :P (yes. we are very spoilt)

6. We have a town but that's not where the most happening place is.

7. We NEVER take public transports. - But I did! ONCE! and am proud of it! ^^

8. Food, Car and maybe phone. Can die without it.

9. We love our nature hikes! Omg, how i miss hiking at Tasek Lama and Bukit Shahbandar and feeding the monkeys! - No Cost!

10. We might move to another countries but we'll eventually come back again.

Ah, those were the days. ok... gotta get on with my ass(butt)-sai (屎)-men(闷)s now.

Toodles!

R.I.P

My Frog Prince died. T T

Goodbye. :(

I'm gonna have a short life. (cont')

Okay, it had been a week or so since the last post (the one that I said I'd continue). Took me some time, but oh well. I do apologize for that tho.

Truth is that there was just too much to do since I've touched down in this Abode of Peace. But let's not dwell on what I did. I need to stick with my topic!

Yea, as I was saying... the suffocation was so awful, i couldn't even sleep laying down. I had to sit up until I miserably fall asleep in that posture. I slept SITTING UP. Yes. I'm not joking. It was quite comfortable tho. Or am I just weird. But yea. That's just how bad it was. But thankfully, everything is back to normal now that my routines are in order again. ^^

ok... I actually had more to say, but seriously, I FORGOT. So, sorry! Don't throw eggs at me.

Love you. Bye!

I'm gonna have a short life.

I have trouble breathing properly these days. And I think I know why.

1. I've been over-eating.
(like still idiotically stuffing myself with food even after I felt full. cause I don't like to waste food = =)

2. The weather turned cold.
(don't know if this contributed to my degrading breathing ability, but yea, I blame the weather for everything. )

3. I don't exercise.
(BUT, I DO sweat, which is healthier than not sweating at all right?)

These are the possible reasons I can come up with but, I'm not really sure what REALLY caused my constant suffocation.

Last night was the worst. I couldn't even sleep because I can't gasp enough air. Well, at least I THINK I wasn't filling up my lung.... (to be continued. cause I gotta run for now. kthxbye!)

Lesson learned.

It is not right for one to expect anything from anyone else.

One should always be prepared for the worst.

One should choose to sacrifice him/herself instead of others.

This is just so YOU can be the BETTER person.

0:)

I'm glad to have realized that today! V (^^,)

SICK!

MAN~ I'm so sick of studying right now!!!!!!!! Not just studying actually. I simply can't find the motivation to do anything now...... D: I need some excitement! D;

Inspiring.

I can't remember anything else that is much more inspiring and motivating than BB.

Although I sound like a crazy fan-girl (very unlikely of me, I must say :\), but they seriously dared me to dream my wildest dreams. Even as much as to the extend that I really want to make these dreams of mine come true.

Whether or not they can be successful, I couldn't care less. At least, I know that I'm enjoying what I'm doing. :)

Fingers crossed I won't lose this enthusiasm too soon. O.O

<3

Dream dream dreams

Since I have started having such big dreams, maybe its time I put the effort into making 'em come true! :D

Yes, This is it.

Yeap. Exactly. um hmm. OK!

My Space!

If I were given an empty room that is big enough, I'd put up full-length dance mirrors on the whole of one wall and equip each corner of the room with loudspeakers. It will have microphones & everything you need to make mind-blowing music, so my peeps and I along with people who have similar interests can do some serious dancing and singing!

On the other wall, I'd like to have rolls and rolls of giant sized papers that can be hung from the very top of the wall. It's gonna be where we can splash buckets of paint and work with truck-load of spray-cans just to unleash our wildest thoughts in incredibly large scales.

Wooo, it'd be cool too to just make the other wall plain white so a projector can project stuff on it. Then we can have endless movie times!

What an awesome room that'd be?! Sigh.... it's gonna be just another dream... until I get to achieve it! ;)

But the only question is HOW?! D:

STUDY STUDY!

OMG, how do u focus???

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I can't concentrate on my studies cause keep having the urge to check FB and YouTube.

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Gosh!!

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Maybe I should just not turn on my laptop until after my exams.

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Damn uni. Why do u have to make somethings accessible only thru the internet =_=

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I can't possibly last a day without turning on my laptop x((

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Aaaahhhhhhh~ I'm going crazzeeeh!

-

<3 _581.

The unfocused.

Vita Dolce.

As promised, I'd show the finalized work for the drawing below...

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-Before-

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And, here it is!

-After multiple modifications-

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-

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Vita Dolce - italian for "sweet life" or "good life". It is one of the tattoos he has on his arm, and it must be something everyone is working towards consciously or sub-consciously.

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I figured that, upon reaching this "vita dolce", not only does one have to go thru several phases, but sometimes when they get to tired, it often results in the release of the "other" unseen side of themselves, be it good or bad.

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In this picture, my intension was actually to show how there are often different sides to things, in this case, different sides to people. The one who may seem to be bubbly and cheerful could very well have this inner "demon" in them that's just desperate to come out. However, it'll be pretty daunting to others if they just suddenly change their behaviors and become a totally different person. Hence many would prefer to just express their "inner demons" in artistic ways, such as in their music, artworks, or anything else, really.

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Well, at least, that's my interpretation of things. Maybe I'm like that. And maybe I'm not. ;)

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Anyway, the picture didn't really turn out to be what I really wanted it to be. Sorta haven't fully expressed the "feeling". It looks weird. :( But I guess I shouldn't spend so much time on it since there are lots of exam revisions to be done lately.

Maybe I will do something more when I finally become jobless again :)

-

But for now, see ya!

<3 581.

Remember back in those days?

I might not be Picasso, but yea....

These are my little artworks since 2008! Not much for 3 years because I only draw occasionally when I feel like it :)

Starting from the earliest:

hahaha. trying out my sketchbook with random things is see.

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seriously, bored to death.

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my sister's neutral look :P

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Somethings are just meant to be.

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-Part of my wonderland-

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When I feel all jumbled inside, I simply lock it up!

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I wished I had my own room :|

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-Mother nature-

"Who will save her if we don't?"

For school's wall painting back in '09

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she's falling '10

-We are one-

My most recent piece of work.

AKA my boyfriend. :D

It's not really complete yet.

Cause it didn't turn out the way I wanted it too.

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Will update the finalized one if I remember :)

-

.581_

Dream + Courage + Determination = Success??

How many people out there have got the GUTS to get off their life's ordinary track in order to do something EXTRAORDINARY, especially when that SOMETHING is something they LOVE?
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And how many have decided to GIVE UP on their DREAMS just because they THINK they're UNACHIEVABLE?
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Then again, how many of those who had the guts actually succeeded?
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Is it a guarantee that "dream + courage + determination = success" ?
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Could it be just a crave too difficult to satisfy?
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To sum things up, I just realised I'm just a damn coward. Are u one too? :\
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:(
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Sincerely,
The chicken.

CAUTION: HOT CONTENT AHEAD!

I simply love them <3 I dont generally like guys with eyeliner nor was I really into KPop. But they are the exceptions cause yea, i'm shallow and bias. HAHA!
Stay away! They are MINE!!

Love,
the me who likes hot guys. :)

Kaile Goh - Gold (acoustic) ft. Paul Dateh & Ken Belcher

erm... :(

... JOKING!

I'm so glad!

BEEEEEEECAAAAAUUUUUUSEEE.....

I ACED IT! :D

ok. bye. x)

Hello.

Can we talk next week?...

=)

Don't give up on me. (crappy post)

I heard a song a while ago and it talked about not giving up on someone. This got me thinking....



I've given up on truck-loads of things since I was young. There was swimming, piano, dancing, the thought of learning martial arts, the idea of rekindling the friendship flame with some old friends etc. I wonder if anyone had given up on me before :S



I feel like I've always tried my best in things I considered "serious" in life - my studies. Studying was...NEVER...a thing I'm fond of. And it still isn't, mind I tell u that. The only reason why I never gave up on it was.... well... I don't like letting people down. I keep having this idea in my mind that if by any chance I fail (not saying I never failed before) in any of my major exams, I'd shatter the image my parents have upon me. I'm too afraid that they will hate the me that would dissappoint.



Don't get me wrong, I'm actually somewhat a rebel too. I'd like to try that out, to tell you the truth. It'd be fun to see their reactions. But risking having to study for another year is just a thought to difficult to bare. That's why I never had the guts to do that. Plus, the possibility that they might hate and look down on me. yeah, I'm gutless.



hmmm.... I'm going a lil off topic I think. But the whole point is that........ I DON'T KNOW HOW I'D BE IF I REALIZED THAT SOMEONE ACTUALLY GAVE UP ON ME :(



so... "don't give on me babeh~"



Song: For The First Time by The Script.

Me or me?

Since I've finally settled most of my uni stuff (long story short: it was a very complicated process - from enrolling to registering into classes. But I won't go into detail bout that. Boring thing to blab about.), I had some spare time up my sleeves to do what adolescences, like me, do best; think bout things that doesn't really matter but somehow does in some ways. Sounds complicated, but basically, it's just random thoughts going thru my brain, which sometimes even I, myself, get confused over.

Being the self-centered person that I occasionally find myself being, most of my queries, honestly, only revolve around me. For those of you who don't think of me as a self-centered person should maybe read on to find out more about me, or should I say... to find out about the other side of me.

I don't know if this is how the average person behaves, or am I just one green pea trying to find my place in a pile of blue beads. Anyhow, I simply can't help but to think that I actually have split personalities. Maybe it's not a very serious issue... Maybe it is... Maybe this is how everybody else is.... With all these maybe's I had to kill some brain cell coming to the perfect conclusion. Therefore, I hope I can share my jumble of thoughts with all of you.

Once upon my life, I realized I liked ghostly opera musics that u can sway your souls to, I liked to feel the mysterious silence and darkness especially when I'm alone, I liked the creepy little portraits that screamed lonesome, pain and evil! That was the time when creepy porcelain dolls, that are so perfect they'd give u nightmares, would be the perfect gift for me!

I liked pretty much all things "dark" back then, just as much as I would like the happy, funny, and "brighter" side of me anytime. It's pretty confusing for me cause I can't really figure out which kind of me is the "real" me, cause both my interests were so distinctive. Maybe they both described me... Maybe one of them is just who I wanted to be but I was only afraid that people would regard me as "weird" for being like that... But they are all just maybe's.... I was just thinking... "maybe". However, I eventually grew scared of the kind of creepiness I liked, hence I decided to bury that darker-side-of-me, deep deep underneath the multiple folds of my brain.

But after these few years, just as I was about to completely forget about my "dark sister", she seem to have already disintegrated and somehow fed herself to my surrounding brain cells. All of a sudden, I realized, I am still fond of what I used to like - lonely songs filled with unbounded emotions, eerie animations by Tim Burtin... And yes, my affection for porcelain dolls grew even more!

This is when I began to doubt the "me" I always have been. Could all those be just the kind of person I wish to project upon other's impression? Was that even who I really am naturally? Should I give up and become the creepy kind of me I am? Or have I put on the mask for too long, it has now been deeply-rooted into my bones....?

At the same time, questions like these came rushing into my brain....
...All this while...
...Could I have been just a quiet person who is just used to being loud/hyper?
...Could I have been just a selfish person who tries not to be, for the sake of good conduct?
...Could I have been just a rude person who embraces politeness just to please?
...Could I have been just be a devil trully in disguise?

Well, i was thinking I might be, because...
I hate snobbish b****es but occasionally acts like one for fun.
I hate gamblers but tolerates and plays along just so I do not kill joy.

These are just like how I think much of my little creepy thoughts but only spoke rainbow words instead just as to go with the flow.
But... when I do speak of my creepy thoughts, people would usually just freeze and stare.
That is when I would just have to explain that I was just joking.

I do not believe I'm mad, nor do I believe I'm a true devil.
Being the brighter-kind-of-me never really felt like pretense at all.
They felt real. They felt sincere. They felt just like they are really meant to be.
Maybe, just maybe, I simply like being both kinds of me.

Would this be considered as having split personalities? I would most likely be using different sides of me to face different kinds of "you's".
But, in the end, whichever side of me you've met is still considered the real me right? So should I even bother deciding whether or not to hide whichever side of me?

...I guess not. As long as they feel right, that would be the me you'll be receiving.

So don't be surprise if u come to hear a whole different "me" in the future...

... cause there are many... many faces of "me"....

Hugs and kisses.
.581_

This is me.

"Crying doesn't mean that I have to shed a tear."

So true, so me :)

NOOOOOOO~

GOOD GRACIOUS!

I am leaving so soon. NOOOOOooooo! I haven't even get to see all the people I wish to see... ...

I know, I know. It's taking me milleniums to meet up with so little people but...... but....

I have no good excuse.... Just slaughter me and feed me to baboons! x

On the bright side of things, I'm going to UNI! *HA HA IN YOUR FACES!* So excited to experience such a different environment! It's like going to an exotic country. oh wait, I am. hehehehe. I am v. v. v. happy :) (pffft. what a snob im being.)

Then again, I really like how comfy I feel at my REAL home now.... :\

Hmmm...How I wish I can have the best of both worlds huh. Oh well, life's not always a bed of roses,right? So guess, I'll just have to treat this as a temporary departure from wonderland then.
Me done babbling. Me gotta get back to work. I know right, I actually have work to do. hahahah.

So,like, Tigger always says....TTFN!
[oh, I miss dumb dumb winnie the pooh. "TRESPASSERS WILL" hahahhaa. Only pooh freaks like me would know what I'm talking bout here ;) ]

What are u doing? Nothing.

It felt like I've gone missing in action for a loooooong time.


Truth is, I was lazy.


No, I was busy.


Maybe, I was a wee bit lazy too..


No. Really, I was really busy!


Busy being lazy, that is.


NO! pfff. I was busy doing.... something....


What? Course I can't let you guys know what I've been up to, other than constantly watching pointless fallopianYouTube videos.


But, I'll let ya'll know when the time comes.


For the time being, I'm gonna continue ignoring Facebook + MSN messages. I think I've even ignored a few text messages.


I know I'm weird and rude.


BOO YOU!


Don't hate me cause I'm "just the way you are".


Bye Bye! =)