Dreaded

I am a horrible horrible person. I have horrible horrible thoughts, bring horrible horrible luck and lead horrible horrible happenings.

It's horrible being me.

Have a nice day.

Black sheep

Today, I got reminded again of how horrible a person I am. I don't think this is anyhow a misinterpretation. It is true. I am the black sheep of the family... actually...not just the family, I'm probably the black sheep of everyone else around me who I show care to.

There is proof. when I was born, my family faced financial crisis, which in turn led to some sort of a family feud which I rather not talk about. Recently, I tried to care more about my dad's business by simply asking about situations of the business back home, turns out things doesn't seem too well. I tried to ring up my sister to ask how she's doing, turns out her apartment was flooded really badly. I decided to go home but it caused hell loads of trouble, from financial damages to emotional breakdowns, so much so that I don't even wanna explain how UGLY those times have been. ALL these, it's  just too coincidental that I just can't think of any other cause to the damages other than me.

I probably shouldn't actively care for the people whom I love so much and just somehow passively finding out about their situation, just to avoid all the misfortune from occurring. Well, I have actually already resorted to this kind of caring unconsciously. But people just don't understand why....

When I try to tell people about how I AM the cause of the misfortunes, most of them would just say how I'm overreacting. But I'm not. They are representable. I AM BAD LUCK. I won't be in denial about it. I'm just glad I haven't cause much more serious damages eg death yet. I'm crossing my fingers and controlling myself so that it would never happen.

嗨，听说

嗨，
听说你病到了，发烧了…请你要好好照顾身体，要早日康复了。
听说你爱过了，放弃了…习惯自己了。我只好成全你，祝福你。
听说我承认了，失去了…只好忍受着  失去的  再次试着忘记这。

Honey magic

我又生病了。生病时总是会想起那时候你知道我感冒伤风不舒服时特地送来的一瓶温温暖暖的蜜糖w/柠檬水。当下没告诉你，不过你为我弄的那杯神奇蜜一下就把我给治好了 。而且你弄的总比我之后弄的好喝几万背。料全都一样不过感觉就是不知少了什么... 难道是... ♥?

Raw raw feelings, just letting everything out.

You might have to tear me apart to make me admit how many times I've wished you were by my side. You will never guess how many times I've actually dreamt about you and really wished you were physically here with me. I hate you but myself even more because I want  you so badly but it will cost me me too much courage so I just have to never let you know. I know its been ages but why don't  you just come talk to me already? Are you waiting just like how I'm waiting too? Do you miss me the way I do so insanely for you too? I hope you'd never see this but I hope you'll feel me whenever I actually think about you.

I know and do admit fully that it's probably all my fault and deserve all these for the way I've acted towards you ; but I do hope you'd just trust that I was going thru very tough and "ugly" phase that I'd never wanna share with you. If all that have led you on to another path of your life which you are happier living in now, I'd wish nothing else but the best for you. I just don't think I can ever move on if you'd never tell me whether there's anything else left for us to hold on to.

Yes, it will kill me to talk to you. So ki me maybe?

Why does everything need titles...

Wow, it's been a real long while since I last blogged. Not sure how I lost my interest in blogging. Maybe cause I finally fessed up to the fact that I don't really like to explain myself. Well, truth be told, it's cause I haven't been the best at elaborating, if you haven't realize it by yourself... (Sometimes the more I try to explain, the more confuse I become... yea.. I'm that terrible at it.)

 With that being said, I am more unsure as to why I am putting up a post again right now. Most probably because I don't know who to talk to.. or should I say.. because I don't know who I can NOT talk to... I don't know if there is such a person out there, but it really would be great to actually have a person who you can go to for some quiet time together... someone who doesn't need you to talk to them... someone who doesn't need your pleasing/entertainment... someone who would just sit quietly with you without ever complaining about how boring you are...

 Lol, maybe I'm really just a boring person. But I think I would really appreciate it. Maybe that's just what I need... a person who doesn't need me to explain what I am feeling, a person who can hear my heart speak... a person who doesn't need my mouth to translate what my heart wants to say... a person who understands what's going through my mind and just be with me...

 Hmmm.. maybe the reason why I have very few friends who would share intimate conversations with me is because I myself don't open up to anyone about the things that goes in my life too... lol. Perhaps, I'm just a girl with a man's ego... But I have always been more than happy when people come share their stories with me... hmm. guess I'm selfish in that way?

 Well, I guess music's my best resort for now. Although I can't see it... at least its presence is felt much more than my own shadow.

 Till next time invisible friends. :)