I've always felt like this is the only place I could go to whenever I feel like I have no one I could really talk to. Well, this time is one of those times again (although, I should really feel slightly happy that I haven't really felt the need to come back here ever since my last post).
The reason why I'm back here again isn't quite similar to the ones before, as it has slightly lesser of a depressing/suicidal note to it. There's good news and as always, bad news as well.
The good news is: I am finally with the person that my mind wouldn't stop thinking about, the person that my heart wouldn't stop missing. We sorted out our disagreements and misunderstandings and have quite the smooth sail on the relation-"ship" and it's been all quite well even though we're dreaded by this LDR since we got together. But it's okay as long as we could still feel the love from each other. That's all fine by me.
The bad news, however, is that I think I have changed too much... too much of which to the extend where I feel like I am no longer myself, no longer holding onto my ground which I so firmly stood for any more.
I've always seen myself as the type of girl who would be strong, independent, self-contented, and secured throughout what ever situations that life would throw at me. I thought I would be the type of girl who couldn't be bothered if my other half is constantly surrounded by other girls...the type of girl who doesn't need to rely on my other half to make myself feel good or simply just to feel happy... the type of girl who would wouldn't care if my other half wasn't there to help me get through the difficult stages in life. All those Miss Independent factors that I thought I would forever hold firmly onto.. has started crashing down right in front of my conscious mind. I've simply become the kind of crazy ass lover girl who I swore I wouldn't become way back when I could still think clearly. Insecure. Jealous. Immature. Demanding. All that.
I guess it started when I gradually found out that I couldn't keep it to myself about how uncomfortable I felt seeing him liking other girls' selfies/pictures/whatever on social media platforms like Instagram or Facebook. I know clearly in my mind that he was just doing it as an "investment" to get their likes back for the things that he would post... But it still kills me to think that there could be even the slightest chance that he was actually checking them out or would think that they would be in any way better than me. In my heart, I was so much taken aback by myself too for being such an immature insecure bitch. Yet, I really couldn't contain that feeling so for the first time I tore my pride and told him how I was jealous. He was sweet enough to reassure me and tell me that he wouldn't "like" their pictures any more if it bothered me. And so I thought that will be the end of my silly little bitchy behaviour.
Who knew it only became worst after that. I started asking him silly questions like.. "why do you love me?", "what do you see in me?", "how am I actually different from other girls for you to choose me over them?", "where do I need to change or improve on to be better?", "what do you not like about me?". It started off cute and all and we would end up just laughing about how silly these questions are. But deep in my heart, I was really needing serious reassurance. I needed to hear something sweet something that would make my heart flutter, make me feel loved and that his love is unconditional. I needed him to say exactly what I wanted to hear. Although I know he thinks I should have already known all these already and be confident with the feelings that he truly has for me. But I just still needed him to look me in the eye and tell me, reassure me again that there is no other person in the world who could make him feel the way like how he feels about me, tell me that I am the most perfect one for him and there is nothing that he would want to change about me, tell me that even if I was the worst person in the world, he would still think I'm the best. I really don't know what has gotten into me to allow myself to become such a needy immature lover like this. Oh, the irony looking back at the kind of person I use to be and what I have become now. The me 10 years ago would look at myself now and just laugh her ass off. But the me now, is going into depression for this. I really need to feel the love!
I mean sure, he is a good lover and does make me feel really loved at times. But seems like I can't help it but to keep wanting to feel more and more of his love. It is just like a drug. I keep wanting more. I feel miserable without his attention, his care, his LOVE!
I have gone so far down the hill now that recently if we had to not text each other for a while, like probably for the day because he's busy doing his stuff, I will constantly be guessing what he's doing, where he is, when he'll finish and come talk to me. Countless times have I felt the urge to send him a text but would then feel like I'd just be a pest and simply cancel the text. In the past, when this happens, it would be like a miracle as he would so coincidentally be sending me a text at that very second. Nowadays, I'd just wait and wait until he is really done, i.e. till about bedtime where we can't really chat for long any more because sleep would be much more tempting. And if we do happen to be texting and I send him something interesting or even just a cute message, but he responded coldly... I will literally feel my heart sink. Is it a sign that we've lost that touch already? Are you already unamused by me? Have I just become more of a burden nowadays instead for always wanting your attention and t.l.c? Or is it because you're too comfortable now knowing that my love for you is certain and that's why it became less of a need for you to make me feel special now?
I don't know if it is that or really just me rapidly turning into love's biggest fool. Please just tell me that I AM really just a fool and that you will always be there, never ever stop making sure that this fool knows that she is always loved.
幸福 · 我越来越渴望 ; 可以永永远远时时刻刻都感觉到那该多好。也许我真的爱到傻了吧。
X X,
Love's Fool.
