I couldn’t sleep last night because I was bothered by some crazy thoughts... Hence I wrote everything down to be blogged the next day to make myself feel better like always. This is how it goes...
“I do not doubt a bit of the love and care my parents have towards us 5 children. I mean... c’mon, we get the things without even asking for it,we do not have to do any hard, sweaty work, we barely need to worry about anything when they are around. What more can a child from this kind of family ask for again?
However, at times, I just wonder whether I have any affect upon their lives. Will they feel any different from when I'm present to when I'm absent? Do I have a purpose to be in their lives or am I just somebody who's presence doesn't really matter? hmm....
I don/t wanna be just a passer-by in your lives.
There are three adults in my life that I dare not disrespect or disobey. Therefor, I did whatever I could to fulfill their commands, especially to the two of them - my parents. The other, my grandma... I just do not dare to leave a single bad impression on her already old but nevertheless active mind. However tho... I'm still indulged in the thought of whether I'm anyone special to them. To me, I'm just someone ordinary, someone really normal, someone who just isn't outstanding enough I guess. Could I be wrong?
Really normal ey?!
Wanting to leave only good images of me upon their minds, I've always did the very best I can. I've pushed myself to the limits to excel both academically and personality-wise. I take every one of their advises very seriously and dare not disagree with the "lessons" they so-generously bestowed upon us. All these are what I’ve doing just hoping to find myself a spot in their pre-occupied hearts. Are my results satisfying enough to earned myself that spot? Somehow, it feels like I have to work much more harder. Or have I worked towards a wrong direction? I'm not sure....
Can I ever be #1?
I'm not saying they haven't been good to me or anything. In fact I believe they've already been the best they could be and I'll be considered greedy to ask for more. It's just that... Have I done anything to make myself special to them?
Outstanding.
I'm the forth daughter among my siblings. My sisters, being un-selfishly helpful, listens and gives good advise to mum when she's upset, being superwoman-ly independent, being hard to handle at times but can be the sweetest and most caring towards people or otherwise the one who makes us laugh through boring times, or simply just being the noisiest and the energy of the party when present... they seem to all have something extra special to be reminded of. My question here now is "what will i be remembered for?".
For being an abstract.
Despite the obvious decrease in family member in the house and just being book-smart (I'd rather be street-smart =( ), which I think are the only 2 things that I can be remembered for, is there anything else I've done for anyone of you to miss me for when I'm gone?
I've been so caught up in doing everything right and trying to be like others , I've forgotten to stand out from the shadows, making myself nothing more than just a member of the family.
Something more than just a shadow.
Let's take for instance... if I were to become mad at anyone of them, I don't think they would even notice that I've became mad. It would be merely a thing to be sad of to them if I stayed mad at them. I'm just not that powerful to affect their lives i assume... Maybe not to mummy but maybe to daddy and granny...
I know they have been doing their best to give us the best. This has nothing to do with their care towards us. It's just a question I've been longing to ask... Who am I to them? Maybe they are surrounded by too many children and grandchildren and hence I've just became less noticeable..
Do you know how it feels to be just a somebody, how it feels like when your voice just happens to be one of the crowd’s many voices and it just contributes to the noise? That is exactly how I DO NOT want to feel like. I do not want my voice to be called noise. I want my voice to be heard. I want to just stand out from the crowd and be noticed, don’t we all?
The only way I can think of now is to spark up my career when I actually have one in the near future since school results were merely a piece of dust to them... I wanna be someone none of the relatives are. The occupations I’m looking at has to be far beyond what the average Bruneian can do. It’s gotta be special at the same time important enough to earn me some big $$. The idea of a bomb engineer started tinkling in my mind since it landed itself on my mind because it sounds way cooler and much more SPECIAL than chem engineer. Working for the MOD has also earned itself a place in my “to be list” but whatever my choice is, it has to come with good $$. That way I can be at one thing more special, in a positive way, than the others. I even decided to like guns and all just to be different from others... But apparently they only interest me once in a blue moon. Oops. Haha. Anyways, back to what I'll be... My last words will just be.... "Wahahahaha. Let me surprise my own self with what I'll become one day!"
He has a cool job? Remember him?
Psstt..To tell you the truth...I noticed how much I like surprising people with what I can do. That way people can remember me for something. That's why I like to make something that I can call my own. I wouldn’t call designing something I enjoy doing. I just like the joy it brings me. =D
He's from Blue's Clues!
One of where I learn how to draw.
But the root of all these craziness is just to find myself some room in my 3 most respected people’s heart...hope one day i will.
Heart,
The shadow (who can one day stand out !). ”
Funny.... Why do I even think of these? There should be much more important stuff to be bothered in life than this piece of crazy junk. I shouldn’t let anything like this bother my sleep. Haha, how unbelievable people can be at times...
Oh well, at least that’s one thing off my mind now. =)
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!
