3 more weeks and I'll be on my way to a totally different place, YES, marking the begining of a whole new chapter in my life. Frankly speaking, I do not feel anything, not a thing at all, at this stage. I haven't start to miss anybody, not even pressured or anxious about going to be in a whole new environment. I feel like a zombie that way, am I one?
The very weird part is I haven't start to feel 舍不得 towards anything, not even towards family nor freinds not to mention them close ones. WHY? I'm officially calling my self not-normal for that. Have I been too stubborn for not facing my feelings too often till I've already forgotten to feel emotional when I'm suppose to?
I've always taught myself to not feel the bad feelings i.e. sad, angry etc. since that great moment of my life when I decided that I shall not shed a tear unless for extreme conditions. This I gotta give credit to my dad because he was the one who made me not want to be a cry baby no more by simply saying " There's nothing to cry about. It's not like u're suffering dreadfully or losing anything." ( I do not know the reason why I teared just because dad starts to say things to me with his serious face. I guess i was just frightened. haha, I cry because I'm frightened. How much of a kid I was back then. XD )
Being strong is what I think I've been trying to do. I loathe it when people say I appear to them as someone weak because to me, it means easily bullied, which in my dictionary means useless. Useless, not meaning can't do anything right but in the sense that you can't even protect yourself and be an independant individual.
I don't cry during emotional scenes.
I choose to not get mad when my parents say stuff that are "ear-sore"-ing (lectures? I consider them lessons learnt tho ppl might catagorise them as those loso talks.)
I 苦中作乐 as much as possible when happiness is not what I'm feeling.
I try to make myself and people in front of me think that I'm sincerely laughing even when things really start to seriously annoy me.
Feeling bad, to me, is kinda like a waste of enery and time so I'd call out the "Happy" in me to replace the sad me when feeling down. I'd always convince myself that I can do it, I can control my emotions, I can make myself smile when I want to even when sadness strikes.
When u aren't feeling good u can always make urself think u are, so u feel better no? I believe that it is all just the work of the mind. There's nothing a little 意志力 can't do. If you say you can, you will definately can!
.... But somehow I feel that this isn't right... Feels like zombie. Have I been too strong for my own good? Or is it just that I'm too lazy to feel bad?! Feeling bad can be really tiring no?
... ...
I like to think. I like to let my brain turn and turn, connecting as much neurons together as possible by means of active synapses. There are certain conclusions I've made during these little
"thinking moments'' of mine and one of them are as follows.
In life, there surely will be things happening that will put u in the dumps, makes you down, because we meet obstacles and all.. It's all part of the game called LIFE. They are very similar to the bad guys u meet in an action-packed game. In order to defeat these "bad guys" in the game of life, I trust that we just have to feel the opposite of what they want us to feel, then they will surely lose till die die (输到死死) !
So why feel the way these "bad guys" wants us to feel? Of course you can feel bad at the begining, but you should come to your senses soon enough and not let the bad feelings haunt your every waking moment so that you won't be kickass-ed by the "bad guys".
All the above makes complete sense to me and that is why I zombie-fy myself when necessary. But at this moment, when people starts asking me "How do you feel now that you're be leaving so soon? ,"Miserable?" , "会舍不得吗？" and being all my answers are " I feel nothing." and "No.", I kinda think I'm being too much of a zombie...Could it be that I've became one or is it that it is still early, or even worse, im too lazy to feel that way? O.O
However, strangely, being in my dad's office these days and seeing how busy and troubled life can get, I kinda feel there's much more to life and that there is no need for me to feel these "nonsenses". Being able to think this is nonsense... is it the way a zombie thinks?
Hmm...
signing off now.
love,
The Confused Zombie.
